Cavanaugh Park

I sit alone with my thoughts so many nights. In the still quietness of the reality that consumes my present, and all but assured future, I fall in the pit of its emptiness. The nothingness takes over far more often then I’d like to admit. The power it has over me is like none I’ve ever known and one I’d give anything to break free of. But how? That question, that simple word, how, I fear I will never know.　

With every passing day and ever shared moment, my heart grows more and more complete with the persistence of your spirit. That spirit, those eyes and always that smile are my compass. All of what I am, I gladly give to you until you wish to give it back to me. And that day, well I hope to never see because my heart is full of you. You felt so far out of reach for the longest time…like a hopeless quest…the Holy Grail, as it were. But you know, through our journeys, you’ve helped me find my true voice. You’ve given me confidence in myself and my future. And I would be honored to devote the rest of my life to you. You see me, you get me, and to my utter shock, amazement and profound gratitude, you love me, and that is the most precious gift that  I will never, ever betray.

Tonight is the last episode of One Tree Hill. I’ve been trying to get my reads together, but I just can’t find a way to express how much this show has taught me how to be a good person. Nine years ago I was 17 and hated so much about myself, about people around me, about all of it. One tree did what it has for so many; gave me strength, gave me hope. Last week I added yet another perfect quote from the show that best described  how us fans feel, ” Its the show that’s not afraid to be quite or heartfelt” I’ve learned so much in those quite moments. I’ve cried so many tears in those heartfelt ones. Over nine years I’ve found myself, the person I thought i wasn’t strong enough to be, and I owe a lot of that to the show that gave me so much.

Hi My name is Portia and I am an actor. I was born in Michigan to a dad who wasn’t present and a mother who would never get me. I did my best to try to fit in when I was younger. I liked what other girls liked, I played with toys I was suppose to. But never did I feel like myself. My escape was always singing and performing. In that world I could be anything I wanted. For a long time it was the only time I felt whole. I did everything I was suppose to in high school, sports, academics, grades, clubs, dating the “boy”, but still nothing but being on that stage arouse me. Thus being the reason why I majored, and have a degree in Theater. When I got to college I refuse to live my life for anyone else but myself. I still do. It may have taken awhile for me to accept myself fully, but nonetheless this is me. I am Portia, I am an actor, I am Me.

I just watched Lady Gaga’s Marry the Night video. It’s my favorite video shes ever done for so many reasons. Mostly because I relate to it as an artist living in LA, dealing with daily rejection and self doubt. The first 7 minutes were so intense I started to cry, take it that’s probably because I’ve already drank a half bottle of wine, but also because I see myself in those moments. Imagine wanting something so bad, getting it then losing it. Generally speaking as someone who thinks with that creative part of their brain, call me an artist, actor, performer, whatever, its so devastating you either give up the fight, have a nervous breakdown or come out more determined willing to give everything with a promise of nothing. Personally I’ve dealt with all three, but I’ve determined that I love it so much that I am willing to give everything I am to it with no guarantee. Lady Gaga gives me such hope and faith, that is why I adore her. People who don’t like her and think shes weird confuse me. I often think they don’t like something about themselves, or wish they can be brave as she is. She never gave up the dream,she never tried to be someone she wasn’t. She’s so inspiring. Bless it be the drive in her spirit that awakens the drive in ours.

I hear to often how nice and sweet I am. How my heart is full with so much kindness and my spirit so excepting. I hear that I’m so optimistic and so welling to look on the brighter side instead of dwelling into the darkness. I’ve always been the girl whose painfully simply and uncomplicated. As i grow older and see people around me in and out of relationships, it makes me wonder if I should just start being a dick to get noticed by those who would other wise never see me. But that’s where the problem begins. I don’t know how to be anything other then considerate, respectful, honest and to give everything with no promise of always. Nice girls finish last,…thats something I’m getting use to. 

I don’t think you get just how much you make my mind wonder. I could be doing just about anything and you will come across my mind so vividly and with so much passion. I hold self a special place in my heart for the wonders of your humility and for the essence of your humor. How is it that you make me smile when smiling seems like such a foreign concept to me. You are wondrously beautiful in the way you see the world, such vision I am envious of. I’d give just about anything to tell you just how amazing you are, but for now I’ll say here’s to you. The one who has me, and doesn’t even know it.

To feel worthless in your own skin is beyond an emotion describable. Yet it lives so fluidly & boldly within the depths of our souls. You can’t see it because it hides behind your smile and lurks inside your humor. You can not hear it, but it screams so hard and with so much might that your eyes project it. You can not speak it, because its speaks inside your. It tells your no one care and no one will understand. It reminds “you it has always been your fault, it will always be your fault. Your nothing special, your nothing unique, no one will ever love you. How can they when you dont love yourself.” Slowly but surely worthless takes over, and your left with no nothing but the shell of your existence. 

~PDH

I declare war on the guards of your heart. I proclaim that from today on and forever tomorrow I will never lay down my weapons, those of words of devotion of respect and gestures. They shall lead me into the fight and shield me from you defenses. You think you’ve built a force around you that I cannot nor will not break through. I laugh at such a thought. You see where others have failed in battle, waving the white flag with even the slightest of injury, I do not scare bruise or break easily. I will not back down even in the face of defeat. I will continue on in the name of honor and of glory. For I will be the toughest fighter you’ve ever meet in the fields. And I will not stop until i have won your heart.

~PDH

You shall never know how much I’ve longed to be the one you love. You shall never realize that I am what you’ve always dreamed of.You shall never understand the lengths at which I’d be willing to give you everything.You shall never believe that your happy ending is right in front of you.You shall never wish for a person like me, because I’m not what you dream up physically or what you longed for visually. But everything you’ve ever needed and wanted and aspired in your own fair-tale has been planet in me. And I can do nothing but wait. Wait for the moment you connect the dots, that your perfect ending has been right in front of you this whole time. That I have been willing to give you all that I am from the beginning.

~pdh

I aspire to be better then my dreams, to live within the the letters  of extraordinary. I want to walk among the ones who are brave enough to be hated. I’d like to give my everything with no guarantee of eternity. Wouldn’t it be pleasant to wake up without the weight but the undiscovered of tomorrow. My mind rarely sleeps, although I’d like it to. But because i want for so many things it keeps me awake yet another night. Another night of aspiring, wanting, and wishing to be beyond what I am.

I for sure was born in the wrong time era. I am a girl full of romantic idealism and chivalry manners. Such qualities are not much appreciated in these times of dramatic happenings and false perceptions. I only ever want to be truthful to myself and the people around me. I want to love with my whole heart and be devoted with everything that I am. I don’t think anyone is ready for what I am willing to give. But that’s the thing about about being an old soul, I’m wiling to wait until forever if it means finding the one that makes my spirit smile. :)

~PDH